10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives by Joe Kort Ph.d

Author:Joe Kort Ph.d.
Language: eng
Format: azw3, epub
ISBN: 9780997389821
Publisher: Smart Sex-Smart Love Books
Published: 2016-03-03T00:00:00+00:00

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Chapter 6: Learn from Mentors, Then Become One

Gay, schmay! Just don’t be alone. —My Grandmother

Most of what I know of Jewish tradition was passed to me by my grandmother, my bubbie. Though not formally educated, she knew quite a bit of Jewish religion and culture, which guided her through her long life.

As I write this, I’m reminded that she insisted that I use her name in print. “Yusella [Yiddish for “Joey” or “little Joe”], when you mention me in your articles, I notice you don’t say my name. Why not?”

“Bubbie,” I replied, “I didn’t know you had a name until I was in my teens. Everyone called you Bubbie. Even your friends!”

Mary helped my mother raise me and taught me why we Jews light candles on the Sabbath and keep kosher. (As a child, I was upset that she’d never know the taste of a cheeseburger or pizza with pepperoni.) A woman full of old-world family values, morality, spirituality, and holiness, she was filled with joy whenever she reconnected with her heritage. I relish her stories about coming to America from Russia—and I videotaped her so that I will never forget her words, inflections, and personality.

Unfortunately, she taught me not only spirituality but superstition. Even today, when I spill salt accidentally, I automatically shake it over my shoulder three times.

I’ll always have memories of this strong matriarch who taught me the Jewish way. “Just don’t be alone” was her way of blessing me personally, as being both Jewish and gay.

At age 13, I had my Bar Mitzvah. As the joke goes, “Today, I’m a man. Tomorrow, eighth grade!” Though really still a boy, I was initiated into manhood through prayer and celebration.

Young Gay Men Need “Gay Tribal Elders”

As gay men, we don’t often receive other people’s blessings. Very few mentors come forward to guide LGBTQ youth. A lesbian comic once joked that as a girl, her role models were Dr. Smith on Lost In Space and Ms. Hathaway on The Beverly Hillbillies. What kind of role models are they?

I always felt grief when I was younger and an older man asked me (because I was out) what gay culture was like. It should have been the other way around; he should have been mentoring me! In LGBTQ culture, our identity is formed in adulthood, and we must mentor each other and ourselves.

Some very wonderful things characterize gay culture.

One: We’re not bound by gender roles. When we’re partnered, stereotypical expectations don’t exist. Everything has to be negotiated—just as it must be in any relationship. We get to decide what works best for us.

Most male partners have been groomed to be breadwinners and providers. So who vacuums and who takes out the garbage? Partnered women have been raised to nurture and make a home. At least one woman in a lesbian couple has to go out and work.

Two: We tend to explore and examine our sexuality more openly than heterosexuals. Heterosexism and homophobia have forced us to talk about our sexuality and develop a language for it.

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